Doubles

I have been struggling lately. I am a teacher, yet I am a student. I am an adult, but many see me as a child. I have experienced a lot in my life but there are days when I feel like I have no experience at all. There are days I have it all together and days that it's all falling apart. I am living a life of doubles. I am struggling to fit in the mold that has always been laid out for me. I am flawed.

This semester has proved to me that even no matter how hard you try, you can't always be perfect. And that's okay. I leave my house in the morning, clothes strung across the bed, dishes piling out of the sink, and dust accumulating on multiple surfaces. But I am filled with joy because my students will file into my room each day and ask me questions about the book that they know I'm reading, have me help them figure out how they fit into their own mold, and allow me to embrace their flaws like I should my own.

I am too hard on myself most days. I am filled with guilt knowing that I am not getting every single little thing I want to get done before I go to bed. I don't have the energy. Or I literally just don't want to. But how can I expect my students to have pride in themselves when I am failing to have pride in myself? I am so quick to shame myself for various things, that I fail to encourage myself for anything positive.

So how does one figure out their own mold? Are we always supposed to fit? How does one lift themselves up when they are trying so hard to tear themselves down? I am flawed. But I am trying hard. By becoming a happier, better person I have the ability to become a much more inspiring teacher. One day at a time.